Evil Bill O’Brien’s Fearless 2013 Predictions
The transfer window has closed and we enter year 2 of the NCAA grandstanding experiment. Last year featured some ups and downs. After an 0-2 start, the media narrative was in full force. Then something happened, we started playing to our capabilities. A tough loss to OSU at home and then the disaster in Nebraska, the team finished with an 8-4 record. Was it great? Well, far from it, but there was a satisfaction at the end of the year that will top any silly New Year’s Day bowl in Orlando at like 11 AM.
That being said, this year will be different. There are some questions and the word depth will be shoved down our throats for the next 36 months and probably longer.
Last year I predicted a 12-0 record. To simplify, we were a tipped pass TD, missed FG, goofy holding penalty on a punt and a TD that was called a fumble away from that happening. There may have been other contributing factors in there, but none stand out to me so we’ll go with that… ok?
Defensive Player to Watch: Nyeem Wartman. We saw a small glimpse of him vs. Ohio U last year, but his injury cut that short. Playing alongside 2 great LB’s will help him grow, but he will break out to further solidify our position as Linebacker U (much to the chagrin of UCLA and USC)
Offensive Player to Watch: Last year, I predicted McGloin to be a star and he was one of many. Again, I am ineligible for this, but since everyone on this unit is basically a star, I will nominate the entire O-Line. A veteran group and a converted Tight End will protect our young QB and along with the 3 headed monster at RB, we’ll have the ability to dig deeper in the playbook. Hard to imagine that offense getting better, but just wait.
On to the picks…
08/31/2013 – vs. Syracuse: I was looking forward to a matchup vs. Doug Marrone, but the thought of crashing Scott Schafer’s 1st game is also enticing. Syracuse is now in the ACC so it will be nice to start off 1-0 vs. that conference. I can only see us punting late in the game after we call of the dogs.
Penn State 34 Syracuse 8
09/07/2013 – Eastern Michigan: The home opener in Happy Valley and this game should be close for about 1:45 or however long it takes our precision offense to march down the field. By the time the students actually show up, we will be up 21-0. Look for a big day from Allen Robinson and also a gem of a coached game.
Penn State 42 Eastern Michigan 3
09/14/2013 – Central Florida: A night game vs. O’Leary and the crowd will be nuts. This game will start off as a chess match due to the familiarity in coaching staffs, but will end like a game of Risk as we dominate all 100 yards of the field and conquer UCF.
Penn State 31 UCF 14
9/21/2013 – Kent State: After that fluke loss to Ohio University last year, the #MACtion will go down for the 2nd time in 3 weeks. The 4th game the offense will be clicking and the defense will be wreaking havoc as safeties play LB.
Penn State 37 Kent State 10
10/05/2013 – at Indiana: Is this game in Indiana or in DC? Well, as you can remember, Yahoo Sports idiot writer, Charles Robinson predicted that we would become the Indiana of the Big Ten. Yeah, I think I may have to prove that stupid tweet to be inaccurate.
Penn State 45 Indiana 13
10/12/2013 – Michigan: Night game vs. the cuddly Brady Hoke. Though Hoke is more likeable than Rich Rodriguez, I plan on making his life miserable for a few hours. This one will be a battle, but the fans and my sheer genius will carry us through.
Penn State 24 Michigan 19
10/26/2013 – at Ohio State: Our defense will have a week to prepare for endless holding penalties and extraordinary arrogance. OSU is a pretty good team and they will present a formidable challenge. That being said, we’re going to win.
Penn State 26 Ohio State 24
11/02/2013 – Illinois: The Illinois coaching staff will re-familiarize themselves with State College. Last time, I let them leave in peace. This time, I plan on virtually ending the Tim Beckman era with a throttling. I may be sandbagging this score a bit, but be prepared to watch a team unleash holy H**** on one of the most worthless coaches in the country,
Penn State 80 Illinois 0
11/09/2013 – at Minnesota: Early November in Minnesota? I am expecting this game to be about 13 below zero. That will also be the total yards of the Minnesota offense. Jerry Kill seemed like a nice guy at media day. He also looks like a gopher. See, I can be nice.
Penn State 45 Minnesota 9
11/16/2013 – vs. Purdue: On 7/25/2013, Darrell Hazell stated, “Our punt team has to have our best players on our football team. That’s the most important play.” That is arguably, this is the most offensive thing I have ever heard a coach say. I assume he will run his “most important play” over 10 times. We plan on showing him that it’s the least important play by never punting.
Penn State 47 PUntRDUE 3
11/23/2013: vs. Nebraska: This one could be fun. Martinez is back for his 63rd season at QB so he’s plenty experienced. I will plan to score an extra TD in case they want to take one off the board.
Penn State 28 Nebraska 17
11/30/2013: at Wisconsin: With no Bert in Wisky, this game loses some luster. I think Jump Around is a terrible song so we need to open it up early so everyone leaves by the middle of the 3rd quarter. Wait, what? ‘Bluto’ Blutarsky from Animal House. Well, I will make his 12th senior day miserable.
Penn State 23 Wisconsin 19
A 12-0 season will also be topped with a cherry come December or January as USC will fire Lane Kiffin and Illinois will fire Tim Beckman. Like the oldie from 1966 by the Marvelettes stated, Don’t Mess With Bill.
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Evil Bill O’Brien is not affiliated with The Pennsylvania State University or head coach Bill O’Brien