This is a day or two late because I wasn’t sure how to approach this. Up to this point, the “Reasons to Hate” series has been an attempt at humor, giving the readers fun reasons to cheer against the opponent.
There’s not much funny about hating Illinois and I know that you probably don’t need any added ammo here but I really enjoy writing this weekly series…so here we go!
Before we start, remember when Zooker called them “ill-uh-noiz” at his introductory press conference? It was a great moment when we realized that their head football coach had never heard of the state before. Anyway…
They’re going to do this on Saturday:
Many have copied the Penn State patented Whiteout, but this is a gross attempt to be different. It looks like orange and purple, as though each fan is told to bring one of the remaining popsicles left in their freezer and these are the two nasty flavors left. Just go with all orange. Or better yet, tell your fans not to even show because you don’t want anybody to witness Louisiana Tech hanging 50 on you.
“Illinois Illini” is repetitively redundant.
How about following the Penn State game Saturday, the Ohio Ohioans face the Michigan State Michiganian Staters? Is creativity frowned upon in Illinois? We get it, Indians lived in the midwest. You don’t have to remind people multiple times during every reference of your school.
Angry Alum, Dick Butkus
Just kidding, Mr. Butkus, sir. Big fan. Love your work. Sorry to wake you. Take care.
Location, Location, Location
The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign? Well which one is it? Who builds a university in the middle of two towns that no one has ever heard of? Just be from Chicago for Pete’s sake! Are you intentionally hoping that people get lost in Deliverance while searching for the suburbs of Urbana? Good luck next year, when you travel to The Pennsylvania State University at Johnstown-Bellefonte! Absurd.
They are a part of the worst trophy game in college football.
Every year, Ohio State and Illinois play for the “Illibuck” trophy. Get it? Half ILLIni, half BUCKeye, half ninja turtle…In fairness, Illinois doesn’t get to see this furry? little thing too often, but they still have their name attached to it, and that’s punishable.
They are bullies.
Your biggest rival is Northwestern? Really? Way to pick on the smart kids for a couple of years before you head off to work for them for the rest of your life. I’m sure you’re mad because they stole the purple popsicle look from you but they’re good kids and Michael Wilbon is awesome. As is Pat Fitzgerald. Come to think of it, everything Northwestern is more awesome than Illinois.
Tim Beckman, obviously.
Did Illinois head coach Tim Beckman operate within the rules in July/August when he sent somewhere around eight coaches to Penn State to recruit players? Yes. Did any other Big Ten team do it? No. Were Urban Meyer and Bret Bielema bigger gentlemen than Beckman, regarding this situation? Yep. Did Tim Beckman have his coaching staff camped out on College Ave. then say “To be clear, we weren’t on the Penn State campus…” Yes he did.
Hey Tim, I’ve been to Penn State and College Ave. is pretty much ON THE PENN STATE CAMPUS! And what kind of stipulation is that to hide behind? Yes we chartered a plane to State College in mid-summer and filled it with enough coaches to form a baseball team, just to camp them out at half of the restaurants 8 feet from campus in case a football player happened to wander within earshot so that we could sell him on how comfortable our bench is…but let’s not get confused and say that we were on the campus!
If you’re going to be that guy, then be him. Lying to yourself in order to make you think that what you did was normal is fine, but don’t talk to me like I’m stupid, too. Looking back, maybe those eight coaches would have been better served looking over film of Louisiana Tech instead of memorizing the menu at The Corner Room and Cafe…
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